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Construction Definitions:
Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal!
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wandering what he/she left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in Heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and baloney - usually applied at random with a shot gun.
Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible
Question: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Answer: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
The possible designers of the human body
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
Retired Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where Your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Great Bike
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
The Optimist, The Pessimist and The Engineer
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half- empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Arguing with an Engineer
Arguing with an Engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig: After a few hours, you realize the pig likes it.
The Engineer's Dictionary
Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties - We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.
Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
You might be an engineer...
If you stare at an orange juice container simply because it says CONCENTRATE.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife."
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned-out bulb in the string.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If your idea of a fun evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is."
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:/ stands for.
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
Immutable Laws of Project Management
LAW 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do. It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.
Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if estimates were made at all.
Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will not do what it is supposed to do.
Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.
LAW 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.
LAW 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course increases geometrically with time.
Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.
Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, its too late.
Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.
LAW 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be seen differently by everyone else.
Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could possibly misunderstand, someone will.
Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet everyone's approval, someone will not like it.
LAW 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not measurable, thus intangible benefits are not real.
Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they are real.
LAW 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time certainly does not have enough to do now.
Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you shouldn't either.
Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work given by the full-time boss will not suffer.
LAW 7: The greater the project's technical complexity, the less you need a technician to manage it.
Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the technicians.
Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.
LAW 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as long.
Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.
LAW 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.
Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.
Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
LAW 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
LAW 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then they remain 90 percent complete forever.
LAW 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.
LAW 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system will be developed. Neither system will work very well.
LAW 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the post-audit check.
Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post-audit provides the project team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on schedule within budget.
LAW 15: No law is immutable.
Top Ten Reasons To Date an Engineer
1. The world does revolve around us... We pick the coordinate system.
2. Find out what those other buttons on your calculator do.
3. We know how to handle stress and strain in our relationships.
4. Parents will approve
5. Help with your math homework.
6. Can calculate head pressure.
7. Looks good on a resume.
8. Free body diagrams.
9. High starting salary.
10. Extremely good looking
Top 10 reasons for becoming an engineer
10. I want to drive a train
9. Like being on the extended 6 year graduation program
8. To learn what real stress is
7. Thought the computers in Butler were color TV's
6. Can't make a decision without the use of 3 equations
5. Who needs a social life?
4. Already have a low GPA
3. Thought the use of Free Body Diagrams was a good idea
2. Already have insomnia
1. To test Lim ENG = McCool School of Business



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